November came to me in a whirlwind of opportunity and growth, and is leaving me on the very tail end of my time away from the battle field that I call my “home”. Soon I will return to the place that has caused me so much pain, and that still actively works as a living site of my trauma. While traveling I have come to realize more than ever that while the core of my depression and anxiety may exist in the tissues of my brain, their triggers primarily rest in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, in that place I call home only because I have yet to formulate another word for it.
How do you make the decision to willingly return to a place that you know will destroy you? What is the price of your mental health when it comes to matters of family obligations, doing “the right thing”, and wanting to be present for those who need you? In my case, there is an inevitability present— we don’t live in a world where we are truly free to decide where we want to live and what we want to spend our lives doing. There’s social, mental, and legal pressures put on all of our shoulders which are intended to send us in one singular direction, regardless of what direction our hearts wish to go. This is the struggle I’m facing now as my time of freedom and happiness comes— temporarily— to a close.
It was suggested to me to create some affirmations for this time.
If any of you are also going through a period of change, or have something looming before you that may be triggering your illnesses, maybe you will find some of these useful as well:
I am not my situation (or illness).
There is success in just making it through the day.
Nothing is forever, and the more I embrace change, the more prepared I am for it all.
Happiness is always worth working towards.
I am the center of my internal universe. I’d rather be a sun than a black hole.
The moon will be the same no matter where I am.
I deserve to be happy. (Everyone does)
Some of these may seem like obvious statements, but anyone who has faced severe depression and/or anxiety knows that sometimes the very foundation of our world view can be shaken, and an idea as simple as “I deserve to be happy” can feel like a revolution.
I intend to spend these next couple of months keeping myself focused, growing, and affirming myself. So much has changed already, I can only assume more is on the horizon.
Wish me luck!